Desperate Fishwives (Formerly: Another fish story)

There is no shortage of drama in the fishtank.

We’ve tried to establish ourselves in a nice neighborhood, free from gangsta’s and druggies. The environment is relatively nice, but things tend to be overgrown. A dose of chemicals put the algae at bay and life was good. A week ago, Mama Guppy went into the maternity ward and while Papa danced proudly, darting here and there and asking the other fishies “Are you seeing this? Isn’t it great? Don’t they look like me?” Mama did what Mama’s do and 15 guppies were born.

To the Tetras, all of the guppies look alike anyway, so they were unimpressed with the brood. The other guppy couple was jealous. They hovered anxiously, hoping to snack on the fry, and only occasionally swimming away for a little nookie-action. The guppies are like the PWT of the neighborhood – their morals are deplorable. When Mama quit producing babies and started dining on her progeny, she was returned to the general population. Both male guppies chased her round and round, up and down, not giving her a minute’s peace. The other female guppy was completely neglected, and heartbroken by her cheatin‘ partner. She died within a few days of the birthing drama.

A few days after that, the glorious peacock Daddy Guppy was lying on the floor the tank, from an apparent gunshot wound unknown causes. Did he procreate to death? Is that possible in a guppy? Finally, the local sheriff checked the pH in the tank and discovered a tragic chemical imbalance. In a panic, additional chemicals were added to restore harmony between acid and alkaline. The chemicals have to be added SLOWLY so the panic took a day and a half. Miraculously, the dying peacock Daddy Guppy was soon discovered swimming around the tank, only slightly nibbled on. Meanwhile, the lesser male guppy, widowed at an early age, has completely and holistically entered into a relationship with the whoring Mama Guppy.

And while all of this drama has been playing out in the general population, the baby guppies have been croaking, one right after the other. During the 1st 5 days of their existence, all but one died. That’s right, there is only one survivor. Out of 15. The doctor is at a loss as to the cause of these Sudden Guppy Deaths (SGDs). Nor can the doctor explain why one has lived. It is suspected this last fry is a mutant. Or, the nursing staff has finally figured out how to care for baby guppies. It seems the fry were born without a manual, just like human babies.

So, as this episode comes to a close, the pH is in balance – which may promote algae, but apparently also allows the tank dwellers to live. Mama Guppy is alive and well. The wounded peacock Daddy Guppy seems to be on track for a full recovery. The Mama Guppy, who didn’t wait to see if Daddy was actually dead before moving on to the next one, is still messing around with the widowed neighbor. And of all things….the Tetras have suddenly been struck amorous. It’s amazing what pH balance does for the libido. Are there more babies in our future? Stay tuned….

(Thanks to Barbara for the new title suggestion!)