I am in the middle of an epic internal conflict, wringing my hands and crying, “What to do? What to do?”
Why the drama? My last two Lenten reflections left me looking through the glass darkly, wondering what’s in store for me. I’m determined to follow Jesus, to not be one of those who shrug and turn away, sorrowful but unwilling to let go of the things I know in favor of the things that could be.
This week I’ve been on Spring Break vacation but work demands have mired me in a sea of angst as I’ve struggled with some personnel challenges. This is not an enjoyable part of my role. It is not spiritually rewarding. Employment as a whole though, I must admit, is financially rewarding. It is nice to have income. As much as I dream of making a living through other means, I do not think any of the alternatives I have in mind would be nearly as lucrative.
Ah, lucre, the money…. Is that what I’ve become? A lover of money? No one in scripture who loves money is able to give themselves wholly to Christ. It is easier to wedge a camel through the eye of a needle, right? Am I clinging to employment as a way of avoiding the risk of discipleship? Can I be a disciple while remaining in my current role?
Today I took a leap of faith and paid for 3 years worth of a new domain: FGHart.com. Now I face the challenge of setting it up and putting it to good use. I’m praying for God to grant me singleness of mind and faithful obedience to His will. (2 Chronicles 30:12)