FGHart

There is no shortage of drama in the fishtank.

We’ve tried to establish ourselves in a nice neighborhood, free from gangsta’s and druggies. The environment is relatively nice, but things tend to be overgrown. A dose of chemicals put the algae at bay and life was good. A week ago, Mama Guppy went into the maternity ward and while Papa danced proudly, darting here and there and asking the other fishies “Are you seeing this? Isn’t it great? Don’t they look like me?” Mama did what Mama’s do and 15 guppies were born.

To the Tetras, all of the guppies look alike anyway, so they were unimpressed with the brood. The other guppy couple was jealous. They hovered anxiously, hoping to snack on the fry, and only occasionally swimming away for a little nookie-action. The guppies are like the PWT of the neighborhood – their morals are deplorable. When Mama quit producing babies and started dining on her progeny, she was returned to the general population. Both male guppies chased her round and round, up and down, not giving her a minute’s peace. The other female guppy was completely neglected, and heartbroken by her cheatin‘ partner. She died within a few days of the birthing drama.

A few days after that, the glorious peacock Daddy Guppy was lying on the floor the tank, from an apparent gunshot wound unknown causes. Did he procreate to death? Is that possible in a guppy? Finally, the local sheriff checked the pH in the tank and discovered a tragic chemical imbalance. In a panic, additional chemicals were added to restore harmony between acid and alkaline. The chemicals have to be added SLOWLY so the panic took a day and a half. Miraculously, the dying peacock Daddy Guppy was soon discovered swimming around the tank, only slightly nibbled on. Meanwhile, the lesser male guppy, widowed at an early age, has completely and holistically entered into a relationship with the whoring Mama Guppy.

And while all of this drama has been playing out in the general population, the baby guppies have been croaking, one right after the other. During the 1st 5 days of their existence, all but one died. That’s right, there is only one survivor. Out of 15. The doctor is at a loss as to the cause of these Sudden Guppy Deaths (SGDs). Nor can the doctor explain why one has lived. It is suspected this last fry is a mutant. Or, the nursing staff has finally figured out how to care for baby guppies. It seems the fry were born without a manual, just like human babies.

So, as this episode comes to a close, the pH is in balance – which may promote algae, but apparently also allows the tank dwellers to live. Mama Guppy is alive and well. The wounded peacock Daddy Guppy seems to be on track for a full recovery. The Mama Guppy, who didn’t wait to see if Daddy was actually dead before moving on to the next one, is still messing around with the widowed neighbor. And of all things….the Tetras have suddenly been struck amorous. It’s amazing what pH balance does for the libido. Are there more babies in our future? Stay tuned….

(Thanks to Barbara for the new title suggestion!)

Here’s wishing you the bluest sky,
And hoping something better comes tomorrow.
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the doubt and sadness.
I know that better things are on the way.

Here’s hoping all the days ahead
Won’t be as bitter as the ones behind you.
Be an optimist instead,
And somehow happiness will find you.
Forget what happened yesterday,
I know that better things are on the way.

It’s really good to see you rocking out
And having fun,
Living like you just begun.
Accept your life and what it brings.
I hope tomorrow you’ll find better things.
I know tomorrow you’ll find better things.

Here’s wishing you the bluest sky,
And hoping something better comes tomorrow.
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the doubt and sadness.
I know that better things are on the way.

I know you’ve got a lot of good things happening up ahead.
The past is gone it’s all been said.
So here’s to what the future brings,
I know tomorrow you’ll find better things.
I know tomorrow you’ll find better things.
I hope tomorrow you’ll find better things.

Photos by 14-yr-old “T”. It brought on a moment of retro.

And because it made me laugh and cry:


This song transcends generations. This is not “T”, but it’s the best I could find on YouTube.

I’ve never been accused of being subtle, but as part of my evolution I’m occasionally making the effort to be less overt. In yesterday’s blog image, the snow was not too obvious, the slug bug was not too obvious, and the fact that my birthday was triggering the introspection and reflection was not too obvious.

I had a fabulous day yesterday. I appreciate that I received girly-girl earrings, a super-bright lamp to replace my crappy expensive Ott-lite lamp that didn’t last a year (so I can crochet without eye-strain) and a .45 caliber 1911 style pistol. There’s something liberating about being able to crochet and fire a weapon (although not at the same time) while looking stylish.

I received lots of well-wishes from friends and family. It’s been a great year and I’m looking forward to another great one.

Blessings!

Last month we visited PA and I snapped this photo. The significance for me is multi-fold: 1) it’s snowing, 2) “wedding-bell silver slug bug”, 3) the leaves. The image captures trees with green leaves, yellow/gold/red leaves, and no leaves.

I’ve been in the process of “turning over a new leaf” for a while now. First the seed was planted: two years ago I was asked to name my dream. I realized I wanted to be writing full-time, and eventually accepted that no-one was stopping me except myself. Then I sprouted: the first piece I wrote is being published next month. And I grew: a year ago I began writing for my church’s monthly newsletter. I’ve contributed regularly. Then, I became a tree all covered in healthy green foliage: in September I began to blog, and I mean BLOG! This is my 97th post (counting both sites). I’m 10 days away from finishing my 2nd month of daily blogs. I’m sensing the end of a season approaching. Now that I’ve established the daily habit of writing, and I embrace and relish the time spent expressing myself, I’m ready to take it to the next level. Although the outward appearance may be dormancy, within is a vitality that will produce results in the spring.

Blessings,

Sometimes it’s best to refrain from saying anything at all.

Peace,

During my list trip to Malaysia I went for a long walk on a Sunday afternoon. This sign gave me pause. It seemed like a safe-enough neighborhood, but I guess you never know.

Sometimes thoughts pile up and push me in a certain direction. I have to admit, blogging about purses on my parenting site is a bit of a stretch. Maybe I’m just avoiding the things that are really pressing on me. This morning The Almost Royal’s post tugged at my heart. Exmi is thinking of moving (happens to be away from parental units) and it’s good for me to consider her perspective. I haven’t spent much blog-time bemoaning my children’s decisions – especially the decisions that led to my grandchildren all being out-of-state/out-of-reach…away from my hugs and kisses. It makes my heart ache.

Grandson #1 is in New York. This weekend I made video recordings of myself and my husband each reading children’s books for him. I adjusted lighting and angles. I did retakes. I zoomed in for close-ups. I played around with Movie Maker and spliced all of the bits together, including opening/closing credits. It’s a nice production and I’m hoping our #1 grandson will enjoy it. I’m also hoping he doesn’t forget us. We’re working on plane tickets for a trip in December. I would trade a million minutes of hobbies and a million tears for unlimited access to our little guy. Sometimes, it’s all I can do to hold onto my forgiveness and my love of our daughter and not let my sadness & angst spill out when we talk to her. She’s in Houston these days….

Grandson #2 is 5 months old and *fortunately* in a nuclear family. I’m pretty sure that’s what you call it when Mom and Dad are married and raising their children. This is our daughter in PA that we visited last month. She calls 2-4 times/week and WE LOVE IT!!! She called tonight to get tips on a recipe from her dad. Some day I’ll devote an entire blog to the teen angst and parental heartache of two years ago. Cutting and attempted suicide are distant memories, although it’s only been two years…. It seems like a lifetime ago.

Our granddaughter is out of reach, location irrelevant. We were recently rocked by the news that her adopted parents thought it best we not be part of her life. We missed her b-day (combo of life circumstances and emotional roller coaster. Who wants to be told they can’t come visit their beloved grandchild?), but will try to do better in the future. This is a new role for us. There is no precedent that we can follow. One of our 4 children is adopted but the terms/conditions were so different there are no applicable lessons. I plan to document the story of our blessed granddaughter, and the heartache. Someday I may start an advocacy group for grandparents.

We have no current pictures of Grandson #1. The last we received were from the Spring. We sent a disposable camera and SASE, but haven’t gotten the roll back yet. We sent a cable to connect her digital camera to her PC, but …. I know she’s busy raising 2 boys of her own, plus her nephew (our G-son). We have been in ~regular contact. The book video is the 2nd one we’ve sent. These videos definitely help our grandson maintain some bearing on us as a factor in his world. I don’t want to be a stranger to him when we finally get to hold him again. At 3 1/2 years old, time is fleeting. We’ve talked to him on the phone a few times (a fraction relative to the number of messages we’ve left) and I’m really looking forward to seeing him again. I miss him so much. It’s been almost a year and it hurts as much as it did then. I wish I had words of encouragement for TAR, but I have faith that our love for Gs#1 is enough, and the best we can do. That’s all I can say to anyone who is not the “custody parent”, but who still loves without measure. “Have faith that your love is enough.”

We have a few hundred pictures of Grandson #2. The disposable camera/SASE system is working well. We have no way of knowing what the future holds, but it’s nice to dream that the PA team will be back in TX come summer. He’s 5 months old now, and he’ll be 1 year in June. I can only hope they’re in town with us to celebrate that milestone. And that we’ve seen him more than once between now and then.

We have a few pictures of our Granddaughter, but I wish we had more. I want to be an advocate for adoption, but I am in such pain when I think about the sacrifice in letting our granddaughter go to a home that we KNOW is better for her….my heart and my mind are in conflict. It’s been awkward (to put it mildy) from the beginning. We don’t want to deny her existence, ever. But it definitely makes for some interesting conversations when people (mostly casual acquaintences) ask about our grandchildren. I try to be open from the beginning. “We have 3. One’s in NY being raised by his aunt. One’s in XXXX being raised by the lovely couple who adopted her. One’s in PA with our daughter and her husband.” Is it any wonder why we’re so proud of M??? We trust God’s guidance. We trust our granddaughter’s parents. We may not understand the decision to exclude us from her life, but we can’t renege now. We must keep our faith.

Meanwhile, this morning I filled out a card & paid for a care package (basket of goodies) to be sent to C (our 3rd daughter) for support during upcoming finals. C has declared herself a lesbian and is roommates with her SO. My response? “Thank you! No grandbabies!” She has declared her religion as Pagan – Goddess Spirituality … whatever that means. My response? I’m sad, but patient. We raised her to know God. She’s 18. This weekend she invited herself over to my parents, who live near the college she’s attending. She went with her g-friend and another friend. I’ve refrained from elaborating on the situation so I won’t go there now. It’s easy to say “I wish things were different.” I’m not who my daughters have rejected. One has already admitted as much. One is coming around. I have hope for the 3rd. {NOTE: Our youngest is still at home, in 9th grade, and has not rejected us….yet.} I remain steadfast in my love. Their rejection doesn’t deter me.

I haven’t heard from C in over a month. I don’t expect or receive any response to the cards I send (she did send an e-mail after the card from Malaysia). I’ve tried to give her room, but I’m not sure how much space is the right amount. I know if I push, she’ll run. If I don’t push, she’ll resent. I accept that I’m walking a thin line. Maintaining a difficult balance.

But … I have to admit … I kinda hope the care package comes with a side of guilt.

And on that note, I think I’ll go give my youngest a hug.